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December 17, 2002
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making up for lost time

i can see you

head buried deep
      within your hands
your fingers
      coarse with hair
           (cascading)

and at your feet
      (ringless)
the phone is off the hook
while your tears fall unbidden
      and you dream
of making up
      for lost time






december 17, 2002
5:17 pm
:iconspunj13:
i was listening to full collapse (the album) by thursday and a line stuck out to me... something about the phone being off the hook...and i got this picture of a girl sitting by the phone with her head in her hands crying...and the phone is on the floor...but off the hook...

//spunj13
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Daily Deviation

Given 2002-12-22
Rare is the devartian poet who can share with us five masterpieces in the space of an evening, and much as I'd like to feature the caboodle's entirety, I'll settle for mentioning my favourite of the five; spunj13 's making up for lost time is a thing of whelming beauty, simplicity and good ol' commonplace tale with fresh gusto. Read! :) (Smile) Stamped with the deviantART seal of approval by `pachunka (Selected by ^faithwalker) ( Featured by `faithwalker )
:iconlorrainemd:
i think many of us can truly relate.
wonderful succinctity and eloquence of language.
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:icondrumbo:
absolutly great
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:iconnemish:
I have done this at one time, and it brings back some memories. Bad, and good. Terbulant.
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:iconkeen:
`keen Dec 23, 2002   Writer
an easy piece for anyone to relate. :) (Smile) congrats on the recognition.

now, the form works well... consider this (pardon me while i borrow your piece for a second to illustrate a suggestion)...

'see you

head buried deep
within hands
fingers
coarse with hair
(cascade)

at feet
(ringless)
phone off hook
tears fall unbidden

dream
of making up
lost time'

some of this may or may not be appealing to you in the expression of your message/image, but something to consider. the first couple of lines read with a slightly different level of tension and with different focal points for the reader's mind. verbs that end in "-ing" can become tricky for a writer, where they tend to de-power a line and can quickly leave a piece with a lilting sound that can distract.

just a few things to consider. great work man. Nod
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:iconbetween-balance:
awesome


congrats on dd as well
\

I'm very im[pressed
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:iconphalanx64:
great poem
i like it how the words, even the visual structure appears so broken

good job
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:iconeternalwaves:
*eternalwaves Dec 22, 2002  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the flow and the pauses between the words.
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:icondrak3:
oh MEN! VERY NICE!
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:iconpwca:
such imagery, and poignant affliction.

devious indeed. Great work sweet dahling!!!
I wish to write so encapsulating as you!!! beautiful!
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:iconnikan2:
this is a great peice... kudos
i like how you put the girl, she is in a hopless situation trying to emend the things she's done, like as if she didnt talk to her boyfriend and was trying to say she's sorry...
i dont know, thats my interpetation... eh
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